Thursday, 20 June 2013

Pregnant? Yes, just a little bit.

It was supposed to reassure me and make it all crystal clear. A blood test would tell me if this was going to be okay. However, the universe looked at my plans, took a deep breath and laughed in my face. A huge great belly busting shriek of a laugh.

My blood test results are back. I am pregnant. No doubt about it. This is good, right? It's what I wanted, right? Achieving pregnancy is the first step on the winding, probably uphill, road to reach this:

 My beta-hCG result is 81 mIU/mL at 13dp5dt (or 18 days past ovulation).

That is not a sparkly, glittery or exhilarating number. That, my friends, is a number that is an excruciatingly low, frighteningly poor number. It is the type of number that could mean this pregnancy is going nowhere fast. My GP was kind but not thoughtful; beginning the conversation by asking if I was bleeding wasn't going to make me feel at ease or anticipate good news. In fact, it was blanket hiding time again.

How did I react to this agonising news? I scoffed my way through a bag of chocolate lollipops, a chocolate bar and a coffee, and not the decaff stuff either. I know, I know, I am wild and reckless. However, that was only stage one of post-beta meltdown.

Stage two involved trawling the internet, until my bum went numb, searching for success stories. As the pages loaded in front of me, the steaming pile of crap got higher and higher. I waded through the mountain of misery, reading about loss after loss, miscarriage after miscarriage, and then, I saw it, just poking out of the top of the mountain of soggy, stinking dung: a diamond. My eyes focused on the gleaming words. It happened, it was real. Someone out there had the same dismal number as me and won. For a while, all I could see was the sparkling gem of hope. Now, I can still see the shit but I am holding tightly onto my nugget of faith.

Stage three comprised of flicking through  the maternity wardrobe of Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge. Not literally, obviously, but courtesy of Go Fug Yourself. I don't know why I choose to punch myself in the gut quite so hard. I felt better when I remembered that she had married into the royal family and all the beautiful bump flattering clothes in the world can't make up for that.

So what have I learnt today:

  • I'm pregnant but probably possibly won't stay that way
  • Sometimes people beat the odds
  • Eating chocolate on sticks is highly enjoyable
  • Kate Middleton is a beautiful pregnant lady
  • I'm not feeling creative and am resorting to recycling pictures

I had another blood test today and, hopefully, I will get the results tomorrow.

I thought I would leave you all with a very special treat:



  1. Oh Ana, I hope that you just had a late bloomer and that your test results from today come back strong. I have my fingers crossed for you and you're in my thoughts <3

  2. Ana, sorry you didn't get the results you were looking for. I hope and pray you are one of those who beats the odds!

  3. Thinking of you Ana and praying your numbers rise!