Wednesday 29 May 2013

Counting my chickens

"You can get dressed, come through and we'll discuss the findings."
 
Once those words are spoken I exhale and wonder why my doctor always says "the findings". Am I his lab rat? It's just so, umm, experimental, I suppose. I brood over it as I hop down onto the lino flooring. Leaning forward I separate the jumble of clothes left dumped on the metal chair, promising myself that next time I'll fold. The phrase flips over and over in my mind; I decide that I am okay with it. At least, I muse, it sounds as though he is taking this baby making extremely seriously. Pulling my jeans over my cold knees I try to imagine what I am going to hear. My mind flips back to a few minutes earlier, I think of the click-click-clicking of the button as Mr T flipped through the dark spaces that represent my follicles. Just moments earlier, I was staring hard at black follicular spots on the screen, my neck ached from the strain as I tried to count them all. But, as always, the doctor was too fast for me to memorise the numbers that flashed past or to note all the little white lines that marked the spots. Click, click, click, click, click and we were done.


I close the examination room door behind me, attempt a confident smile and place myself on the seat opposite the doctor. Clattering from his keyboard fills the tiny room as he inputs the findings from my ovaries into an electronic file. I breathe slowly, notice the expensive watch skimmed by an expensive shirt and use the spare seconds to silently speculate about what car he might drive. I am just deciding on Mercedes when my train of thought is broken by his eyes flicking from the screen and directly toward me; my mind whispers "stay calm, look confident, relax". I wonder why I so desperately feel the need to maintain my composure in front of this man. He starts to speak and I nod mechanically.


"Your current cycle is quite different from your last."

I continue nodding, "Oh."

"Your last cycle was very good, you had plenty of follicles and we retrieved 16 eggs."

I'm still nodding and force a smile, "Oh."

I wonder if I am nodding too much, shift my position in the chair and brace myself for bad news.

"This time you have 7, maybe 9, follicles and we would expect to get approximately 7 eggs."

I am not nodding anymore, "Oh."

I blink through his explanation that every cycle is unique, that it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me and that if we did another cycle it may all be wonderful again.

My mind screams: Another cycle, doctor?


Mr T continues to rattle off the plan from here on in: one more day of stimulating my ovaries, two more days of suppressing the egg release and then, finally, the trigger. Yup, we are at the big one. The trigger shot will help the few eggs to mature and get ready for collection on Friday. Yes, on Friday!


As my ovaries no longer seem to be enjoying the IVF game, the considerable meds I bought from the dodgy perfectly respectable Internet pharmacy were not nearly enough. Mr T takes me down to the nurses' station and arranges for more drugs to be sold. I make a mental note that I will have some updating to do on my IVF cost tally.  


I thank every one in the clinic, including the receptionist and the doorman from the apartments opposite, at least ten times each and head back to the underground station in the rain, hoping for a miracle on Friday.


14 comments:

  1. 7 eggs isn't too bad, but I know how it feels because it wasn't what you expected. IVF is just so unpredictable. But remember, it takes only one embryo. Who knows, with time-lapse imaging you might not even need so many to play around with.

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    1. You're right. Seven eggs is't too bad. Thanks for the comment.

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  2. Oh my goodness! Whatever happens, you are in my thoughts and I have *everything* crossed for you tomorrow! It really does only take one; I'm hoping you get your miracle. Sending good vibes your way.

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    1. Thanks Sadie, good vibes gratefully accepted.

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  3. Its so unpredictable!!! I had 35 follicles and you would think that I would have produced 15 embryos...nope only 5!!! Your 7 might turn into 7 actual embryos which would be amazing!!! How many days have you been stimming?

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    1. I know, it's crazy. It seems so funny that my last cycle was completely text book. It is amazing that you had 35 follicles and only got 5 embryos. It jsut goes to show how crazy it is. I stimmed for 13 days this time.

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  4. I know that this cycle isn't comparing to your last one, but I agree, 7 eggs is nothing to scoff at! You never know what a few more nights of stims will do!

    As a side note, I find it funny that your doctor's name is Mr. T. I have this mental image of a big black guy with a mohawk probing you and talking to you about your lady bits.

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    1. You are right 7 is a lot better than it could have been.

      Ha, ha, ha. I love that you imagine BA Baracus is my doctor. He is incredibly different from Mr T but it made me smile when I saw him this morning.

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  5. Thinking of you! Since the last cycle didn't work out, maybe different isn't a bad thing? Maybe instead of being diluted out to 16 eggs, this time your stims were able to concentrate on producing these 7 wonderfully healthy eggs that will go on to produce superstar embryos!

    Let's call it a 'lucky number 7'. I saw 7 follicles in my baseline sono today, and was stoked since the most I had ever seen before was 6. :)

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    1. Thank you so much. My last fresh cycle did kind of work (I got pregnant with twins but they died when I was nearly 17 weeks - not IVF related). But, you are right, as my doctor keeps saying, we are aiming for quality over quantity.

      I am loving the lucky number 7. 7 follicles in a baseline is good - you can develop more.

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  6. Crossing my fingers for tomorrow, too. I know the disappointment well...hoping the "one" is in the mix. :)

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    1. Thanks Maria. I am really hoping that the "one" is there already.

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  7. Ana, Sending you good vibes for tomorrow. I'm sure you were disappointed that this cycle didn't go as well as the last one, but remember it only takes one! Praying it all goes well!

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    1. Thanks Jenni. Yeah, I was a bit disappointed but trying to remember that it really doesn't been I won't get pregnant. Thanks for the good vibes.

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