Saturday, 18 May 2013

Back on the big dipper

Why do people voluntarily ride roller coasters? Perhaps if the aliens land tomorrow they will think that, if they base their assessment on the roller coaster riding alone, the people who inhabit this planet are bonkers. The creatures from Mars will see that, before the earthlings climb into the buckets, they are trembling and, once seated, they will scream, nausea will rise from their guts and, if it's a good one, even cry. However, once it's over, you will hear the riders say how thrilling it was, oh it was such an adventure, they'll say; get right back in line and hop on again for one more go. In short, the exciting, thrilling, exhilarating, wonderful feelings outweigh the fear, vomit and scream-inducing gut-wrenching stuff. Maybe that is why couples keep on putting themselves through one IVF cycle after another: the hope that, one day, after all the rain they'll get a turn at dancing in the sunshine.

This week I had the first scan of my current, it's my third if your counting, IVF cycle. I tried to remember how many scans I have had throughout my infertility journey  but I can't, there have been just too many. After the first scan of my last frozen cycle I wrote down my thoughts on the scan process and, lucky reader, you can read all about it below:

"On the train back home from my clinic I couldn’t help thinking about how odd these scan sessions are. Maybe it is just me but they are weird, aren’t they? I find it all so awkward and slightly hysterical at the same time. I spend a good ten minutes in the morning checking everything downstairs looks okay, like anyone cares, and the thought that it isn’t pops into my head many times during the day. Then, once I get to the clinic, I spend several moments debating whether it should be socks on or socks off, wondering if it matters, and trying to remember if my nail varnish would be suitable if I do dare to go socks off. Finally, I make a socks on decision, clamber onto the chair, or maybe it’s a bed – I am not sure what it is – and I attempt to maintain some semblance of dignity whilst desperately trying to balance in the stirrups. Once I think I’m safely in, I have to call out “I’m ready” at which point I panic wildly, think Mr T won’t hear me so call out two more times with increasing volume and desperation. The whole humiliating process culminates with, what can only be described as, an eye-wateringly large dildo like probe which, to add insult to injury, gets lubricated and covered with a condom! Then the lights go down, I half expect Barry White to start playing, and we get to spend several minutes examining my inadequate innards. Like I say – odd!"

I had the exact same feelings again this week - nothing changes. Except this time, instead of excited anticipation, I am nervous and a little bit scared. The scan went well, I have 8 resting follicles (that's okay, apparently) and none of my internal organs had left the building - I wouldn't blame them if they had, I think they've had enough. But this time I have prior knowledge of what lies ahead; I know that IVF is hard and it makes me feel like this:

Oh before I forget, the financial round up:

1. IVF meds:    £1092
2. IVF cycle:   £3275
3. HEFA fee:    £75
4. Train fares: £28
   Total:       £4470

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